Well, well, well -- I can finally arrive for the early-bird special @ Denny's AND claim the 'senior' price at the same time! AARP baby. . . A-A-R-P!Arriving at fifty, was perhaps, the most enlightening, free-spirited, awe-inspiring moment of my life! Perhaps that was the tums kicking in after said early-bird special! In any event, it was only natural to embrace the half-century mark in the most peaceful place on earth -- the Blue Ridge-Smokey Mountains just outside Asheville, NC, with my lady by my side!
You would think it's just another birthday, another day, another number, but for some reason, that glorious 'big five-oooohhhh' really smacked me into another dementia . . . dimension! With every beat of my aching bones . . . heart, I denied and rejected . . . marveled and basked, in the glory of reaching a half century old! How could this be? Why only last night, I was donning my white leather red-wheeled Roller Derby skates, screeching across a scuffed up oak wood floor to the monotone sound of a Hammond organ complete with church lady barking out her version of revelee, " . . . reverse skate, couples only . . . SINGLES OFF THE FLOOR" as the Bee Gees soon chimed in ". . . more than a woman." Ah eighteen . . . FIFTY?!"
I shook off the brain freeze . . . nostalgic moment, with two migraine Excedrin's and a pot of java strong enough to grow hair on a turtle's back! Immediately . . . slow and hopeful, I begin the wake-up routine after my lady sings me a dozen or so Happy Birthday verses, one sweeter than the next. Stretch just far enough to keep the shoulder from poppin' out and landing in my shoe, and my elbow from locking tighter than a bag of nickels at a penny convention! A brief flex of the feet simultaneously introduces my face to the carpet while my feet are knotted so bad with cramps they could safely secure a fleet of aircraft carriers to a row boat dock! Crawling . . . standing upright I scream bloody murder . . . yawn loud and often, as my back impersonates a box of pencils in a fucking meat grinder! "Oh, happy birthday darling," my ever-so-chipper princess bellows while the last bit of my morning vanity . . . routine is completed. Finally, before the birthday festivities . . . Epsom salts and heating pads, I turn to glance in the mirror and see my hair shooting off in so many directions a porcupine would be envious, when I turn back around to my beaming with pride . . . frightened beyond recognition, sweetheart with flip camera cocked at the ready as she chirps, ". . . how does it feel to be Fifty sweetie?"
And . . . cut! That's a wrap!
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